BUT, YOU DON’T LISTEN! This is one of the most common complaints we hear in conflicts with our loved ones. Maybe you’ve heard it yourself, or even said it.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this complaint. The truth is, most of us are not trained to listen deeply, patiently, and with the genuine intent to support the other person. We often listen to respond, not to understand. And that’s where the problem begins.
At the same time, it’s not as simple as telling yourself, “I will listen to understand and be patient,” and expecting it to happen. Listening is an art, one that takes time and effort to develop. Our ability to listen is also closely linked to our emotional state. That’s why improving our listening skills requires us to work on our emotional health as well.
So, how do we do that?
Thich Nhat Hanh, the great Zen master, offered some practical and profound guidance in his short book How to Listen. Let’s explore some of his teachings to help us learn the art of deep listening.
Listening to Yourself
Take a moment to sit back and relax. And no, you’re not allowed to use your phone. Close your eyes. Feel your breath. You don’t need to control or change it, just observe it. Follow the air as it moves in through your nostrils, down your throat and chest, and into your belly. Then, follow it on its way out.
If any thoughts arise, that’s okay. It’s natural. Gently bring your attention back to your breath. Try this practice whenever you have a few minutes to spare. It can be done at home, at office, even while you are travelling (provided you are not driving!).
This is the first step towards listening to yourself. Without learning to listen and understand yourself, you cannot truly do the same for others. As you begin to tune in to your body and breath, you’ll become more comfortable in your own presence. You’ll start to understand yourself more deeply. Remember, understanding is the seed from which the roots of love grow.
Feelings, whether of compassion or irritation, should be welcomed, recognised, and treated on an absolutely equal basis; because both are ourselves.
Thich Nhat Hanh
The more you listen to your own mind (without trying to change or fix it) the better you’ll understand its patterns. Just like the breath, observe your thoughts as they rise and fall in consciousness. Listen to them. Embrace them.
Listen to your fears, your worries, your anxieties. Acknowledge them. Accept them with warmth and compassion. Over time, this practice will transform those difficult emotions and bring you a sense of ease and inner calm.
Listening to Others
Once you’ve found some inner calm, you’re better prepared to listen to others.
Our conversations take many forms. A loved one might be trying to express affection. Or you might need to speak with someone you don’t particularly like, but a conversation is necessary to resolve an issue.
Remember, in the end, conversation is all we have. It’s the only path to deep understanding. When people give up on dialogue, they often cut ties, or worse, turn to negative tactics such as passive aggression or violence.
That’s why listening matters. It is the foundation of healing, connection, and resolution.
Thich Nhat Hanh’s Five Steps for Deep Listening
- Create space in your mind.
Make sure you’re in a good mental state. Just as you can’t pour tea into a cup that’s already full, you can’t take in someone else’s words if your mind is overwhelmed. Pause, breathe, and make space. - Expect to be triggered—and stay calm.
Difficult conversations may hurt, annoy, or anger you. That’s inevitable. But remember: the trigger is not in their words; it’s in your reaction. Stay composed. Practice patience and grace. Losing your temper will derail the dialogue. - See their suffering.
When someone speaks harshly, it often reflects their inner pain. Their suffering is spilling over. Try to find compassion for them. Look past their tone and focus on their need for comfort and understanding. Don’t take things personally. Instead, respond with presence, not pride. - Stay fully present.
Give your undivided attention. Try to understand their perspective, even if it seems wrong or irrational. Don’t interrupt. Only respond when asked, and when you do, speak gently, with warmth and kindness. - Know when to pause.
If you feel overwhelmed or triggered, take a respectful step back. Politely ask for some time (a few hours, a day, or more) whatever you need to regain clarity. Let them know that you’re taking this time not to avoid them, but to gather the strength and presence they deserve.
If you follow these steps, many of your conversations will become meaningful, even beautiful. And not just for the speaker, but also for you, the listener.
Listening deeply is not just a skill, it’s a form of love. It can be deeply therapeutic, for both hearts involved. So, let’s become better listeners and improve the quality of our conversations, and hence, our lives.
Reference books:
How to Listen by Thich Nhat Hanh
Kalampedia 