In the previous post, we discussed the psychology of love based on Natasha Lunn’s conversation with Alain de Botton in her book Conversations on Love. Today, let’s take this discussion forward and explore a spicier aspect of relationships: sex.
Natasha engages in a conversation with Emily Nagoski, an American sex educator. Emily uses science and psychology to debunk myths about sex, challenging us to rethink what constitutes a “normal” sex life. Spoiler alert: there is no such thing!
The conversation begins with a familiar question. Natasha asks: why, in the early stages of a relationship, we often desire sex more frequently but not as much over time?
Emily’s response is intriguing. She explains that frequent sex in the early days of a relationship is not necessarily because we deeply love the other person. On the contrary, it stems from uncertainty. The attachment mechanisms in our brain drive chemical processes that make us want to bond with the other person to secure the attachment. One way we do this is through sex. It’s as if our brain is thinking, What else can I do to feel closer to this person?
Isn’t that a brilliant insight? Often, when we are in long-term relationships and feel secure, we don’t desire sex as frequently. This might lead us to wonder if something is wrong or if we’ve lost the spark. But that’s not true. When a connection feels secure, our brain no longer needs to reinforce the attachment as desperately, reducing the need for frequent sex.
Another important question raised during their discussion is: why do we fixate on spontaneous desire as a measure of a good sexual relationship?
Emily points out that there is no science-based answer to this. She speculates that it might be linked to societal values, particularly in capitalist cultures where desire is seen as an optimal state. In such societies, constant wanting drives consumption and stimulates the economy. While reflecting on this particular point, I thought about various tribal societies disconnected from capitalism. Perhaps capitalism itself isn’t entirely to blame (we can’t say for sure), but modern societal norms have certainly turned desire into an ultimate goal—something that doesn’t seem healthy to me.
One final point that stood out to me was the connection between our state of mind and arousal. For instance, why is it easier to get turned on and enjoy sex when we’re calm and less stressed?
Emily explains that sexual response in our brain operates through a dual control mechanism. This means it has both an accelerator, which notices any sex-related stimuli (everything you see, hear, smell, touch, taste, think, or imagine), and a brake. If the brake detects reasons not to be aroused—such as worries about sexuality or body image—it sends turn-off signals. Only when you let go of external and internal stressors can the brake ease up, allowing the accelerator to function effectively.
Valuable insights, aren’t they?
These ideas, I hope, will certainly add value to your intimate life. However, even if we aim to improve our experiences in bed, there are many other aspects of love outside the bedroom that require attention—and for those lessons, you’ll have to read Natasha’s book.
Kalampedia 