Politics seems an incongruous field to link to love, but can we not read, in the bloodstained histories of the French, Fascist, or Communist revolutions, something of the same coercive structure, the same impatience with diverging views fuelled by passionate ideals?
Alain de Botton
It’s not difficult to draw parallels between politics and love, although it sounds absurd the first time you hear such an idea. But, take a moment and think about the two: rosy beginnings, complications and quarrels along the way, and (sometimes) bloody endings. There is a lot to compare between these two seemingly different concepts, as shown by Alain de Botton in his 1993 book Essays in Love. De Botton specifically traces the trajectory of a romantic relationship through the lenses of Marxism and Liberalism. Let’s see what it reveals.
Marxism and Love
There is an old joke about Marx who laughed about not deigning to belong to a club that would accept someone like him as a member. As much as we laugh about the Marxist contradictions there is also some truth in them, especially when we see them manifesting in relationship settings. How is it that you might have wished them to love you once upon a time, but now feel irritated by it?
To understand this puzzle, we need to take a look at Marxists. They are so good at bringing revolutions and protesting against the authorities that they often lose sight of the fact that one day they might also be in power. What would they do then? Still rebel? Because that is all they know.
We may find ourselves being caught in this Marxist trap. Often we fall in love because we long to escape from ourselves with someone as perfect as we are imperfect. But what if such a being were one day to turn around and love us back? We can only be shocked — like the Marxists. This is why tales of unrequited love are romanticised more than a marriage story. There is a thrill in the former and wearisome uniformity in the latter. And that is what romantic idealism does to us. It leaves us with no choice but to create our own miseries.
So, what should we do?
De Botton suggests that there will be a Marxist moment in pretty much every relationship. On the inside you would fear that your partner deserves someone better, and on the outside it would find expression in anger, frustration or bitterness. The way it can be resolved is by seeing the battle between self-love and self-hatred. If self-hatred gains the upper hand, then you might have challenges accepting your lover. But if you can find a way towards self-love then both you and your partner are going to realise that the two of you are not just loving people but quite lovable too.
Liberalism and Love
The liberal politics focuses on… liberty, right? John Stuart Mill, in his book On Liberty, wrote a ringing plea that citizens be left alone by governments and not be told how to lead their personal lives. Here is what he wrote:
The only freedom which deserves the name is that of pursuing our own good, in our own way, so long as we do not attempt to deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it... The only purpose for which power can be rightfully exercised over any member of a civilised society against his will is to prevent harm to others. His own good, either physical or moral, is not a sufficient warrant.
When you apply this wisdom to relationships, it may sound romantic, once again, but may also create confusion for lovebirds. Should couples only be together as long as they are truly, madly and deeply in love with each other? Should polyamory be deemed perfectly acceptable? For some of you (conservatives) these questions may sound offensive, while for some (those on the liberal side) the answer will be a resounding yes in one or both the scenarios. Such is the influence of political language and ideologies on our lives, even in the most intimate matters.
So, what do we do when we face the dilemma of Liberalism in a romantic relationship? Do we let them do whatever they want? Or do we exercise some power over them, in a healthy way of course?
The truth is, De Botton suggests, there will always be contradictions, confusions, and moments where you will find no right answer. What makes a difference is how well you handle those moments. What do you do when you feel jealous or insecure? The answer is straightforward. You share. You share not with anger and bitterness in your words but with a smile on your face. Learn the art of humour — it will go a long way. As long as the two of you can laugh about your issues, they will cause no harm. The problem with the most horrible politicians isn’t their ideology but their inability to deal with dissent and find humour in difficult situations. Let’s learn from their mistakes.
Reference books:
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