If you are a bachelor, this is what the married people would almost always tell you: you are missing out on the superior pleasures of life which we can neither articulate nor display, but they are there. There is usually a sigh after that, god knows why?
How do you respond to such a clever taunt? You can’t. That’s why, I often ask you to read more. Because if you did, you’d have come across Charles Lamb’s famous essay A Bachelor’s Complaint of the Behaviour of Married People. That would have done the job. But since you’ve been too preoccupied with the married-life of others, I am sure you missed this 19th-century treasure. That’s precisely why I am going to help you a bachelor’s guide that you can use to your advantage.
What is this fascist behaviour?
Remind them of how bizarre it would sound if you asked them to file a divorce as that would give the same happiness that you are enjoying by being single. Would they consider it? We know the answer. Then why do they do this to us bachelors? It’s a simple case of imposing one’s own beliefs on others. When they can’t change a TV channel at home, they compensate for it by changing the marital status of the world outside.
Ah, the children!
They brag about children all the time, don’t they? Thankfully, now they won’t. As soon as the bragging begins, you should tell them a few facts. That in a world of billions of people, children are not a rarity. That the poorest folks have them in abundance. That children are annoying. That they can (and often do) defeat the hopes of their parents. That they ruin every gathering. To put it rather politely, children are God’s way of punishing us for having unprotected sex. Can we do away with the bragging, please?
Your bureaucratic offices are scary…
Old friendships suffer the most because of marriages. Especially, the ones with bachelor folks. Every friendship, every authentic intimacy must be brought into the married couple’s office to be stamped with their currency before they allow it to exist in the world. And when the approval is granted, all the interactions are closely scrutinised and assessed, and the licence can be revoked as per their convenience. To be honest with you, given how you start behaving after marriage, it does not bother us that much.
We are not your kids!
One of the hardest things in the world is to witness a couple calling each other Mama and Papa once they attain these sacred positions. Some of us are aware of Oedipus complex. And that brings more pain. Sadly, they don’t stop at this. Somehow they get this strange notion in their heads that they’ve now acquired sainthood and they must treat every human being as if he or she were their own child. So, we are made to listen to their long lectures, with repeated remarks on parenting after every sentence or two. It is also pointed out that we don’t know anything yet because we have not contributed to the population explosion of this miserable world. But imagine, if we pointed out all this, before they did, how much misery would that save this world from?
Now that you have all the necessary tools at your disposal, it is time to carry out the offence. And when you do that, don’t forget to start your sentence with No offence, but…
Kalampedia 